Hello, friend.
I’m just going to assume that because you clicked on this unsolicited blurb of advice, you are either interested in doing some traveling or you are already doing it! Either way, welcome.
What is your preferred method of travel? For the record, I prefer traveling by train or automobile. While I’ve racked up a ton of miles, I actually can’t stand to be on planes. No, it’s not because I’m scared of being trapped in some metal bird with wings that don’t flap. I don’t quite understand the reason behind my aero anxiety, but a weird way it manifests is by leaving me in a state of nausea the moment I board. Thus, I do not eat on planes, and I find it hard to concentrate on the in-flight entertainment. My friends and family who have flown with me will tell you that I am the least-fun to have on a flight. And I am here to say that they are absolutely right. However, I’ve spent most of my life on planes. Flying back and forth across the Atlantic, hop-scotching between Europe and North America. All these years of globetrotting has taught me much about how to travel and how not to. So, please enjoy these travel tips from a goon who’s learned from her mistakes:
PREPARE:
I’m not the first one to tell you this and I most certainly won’t be the last. If you aren’t Type A, then this might be something you’ll have to put more legwork into. Trust me, it’ll be worth it. What do I mean by prepare? I’m talking – passports, travel tickets, visas (if necessary), signatures, stamps, divorce papers (wait, what?). All the paperwork. Make sure they’re updated and ready to go the day/night before you leave your house/apartment/mouse hole. You don’t want to spend the precious hours you could be sleeping in your cozy bed rummaging through your luggage wondering where you put your goddamn driver’s license. You want a smooth send-off.
PACK LIGHT:
Unless you’re rich as shit and can afford to load up suitcase after suitcase, you’ll want to pack light. If you and your loved ones are only taking one suitcase each, maximize your space. Roll up your clothes into a shape that vaguely resembles a Pillsbury Dough canister. That way, you can trick yourself into thinking you have more space and can subsequently fit more clothes (or sex toys, whatever you’re feelin’). Speaking of maximizing space, don’t bring full-sized bottles of anything. If you’re serious about this travel stuff, I encourage you to invest in a packet of travel-sized containers that can fit anything (lotion, hair products, facial moisturizers, fecal moisturizers, lube, etc. You can have it all!). You also want to make sure that if you’re flying, you keep up to date on TSA guidelines. Read the fine print, people!
DO THE RESEARCH:
Now that we’ve discussed the boring aspects of traveling smart, we can move onto the fun stuff. Research! Know a little something about your destination. Because let’s be real, spontaneity is like a one-night stand. You wake up the next morning with bad breath and a headache, and suddenly, you’re not feeling it anymore. Doing a little research beforehand makes all the difference. If you’re not a big fan of structure, then try and plan one thing that you do each day. Whether it’s trying out a restaurant you read/heard about or making a trip to that museum downtown, you’ll have something to look forward to when you wake up. This part, while more fun, can be, at times, dodgy because everyone’s a different sort of traveler. You might be going into a vacation expecting one thing, but your spouse might be wanting to get something else out of it. Listen to your intuition and don’t be afraid to learn something new about whatever city/country/mouse hole you’re in.
CHOOSE YOUR CROWD/BE PICKY:
Dear God, I cannot stress this enough. I’ve had some truly horrific experiences traveling with the wrong people, many of whom were my friends. Traveling brings out different parts of us (like flying brings out my very worst qualities) and we must be mindful. When choosing your travel partners, I suggest you think about the situations you might find yourself in with them. What I will often ask myself is, “Would I want to be hanging out with this person between 2 AM – 6 AM?”. Such prompts get us thinking about the company we will be keeping for however long we plan to be away. For example, one time I embarked on a two-day trip between a couple of European countries. I was in college at the time, and I was traveling with a few other classmates/friends. What ensued was a frustrating sojourn that had me playing the role of reluctant mother/travel coordinator to two dummies who couldn’t read directions. The whole time I kept wishing I’d just gone solo. Traveling alone, while risky, can be a genuine delight. Especially when you’re not being woken up at 2 AM by your dum dum travel mates who can’t get the hostel toilet to flush.
Which brings me to…
BE PICKY 2.0: THE AESTHETIC SOMETIMES ISN’T WORTH IT:
Staying at a run-down hostel in the old town might be glamorized in the movies, but that’s all it is. Hollywood glamor is known for its deceiving nature. It can turn an old mop into a sex-positive starlet whose eyes scream “bedroom” instead of “bedridden”. Don’t trust what you’re seeing on TV (unless it’s Liz Lemon snacking on night cheese because we’ve all been there). It is not aesthetically pleasing to stay at the first hostel you romantically happen across. I’ve done this and all of those times have involved rat poop and air vents that leak suspicious brown liquid (also bedbugs; big travel no-no). Be picky about where you’re staying. If you desire the hostel vibe, then make sure it has proper indoor plumbing and doors that actually lock. Honestly, if you’re a woman and you often find yourself traveling alone, then I highly recommend you purchase one of those portable locks that you can jam between the doorframe and the door. We have no time for burglars, rapists, and pervs! No thank you, please! If you’re wanting an Airbnb or a hotel scene, make sure you consider the reviews, the location, and the times you’ll be coming and going. My first trip to New York, I stayed in an Airbnb in Harlem and my gal-pal and I would walk back at around 2-3 AM. It was in those moments that we felt truly unsafe. Harlem is perfectly fine, but the times we were getting back were actually not. All of these things matter when you’re considering the roof you’d like to keep over your head while you’re away from home.
GROCERIES, GROCERIES, GROCERIES:
We can all agree that part of what makes visiting a new place fun is getting a taste of the food scene. Many of my fondest travel memories typically revolve around food. Dining out with my loved ones, trying new dishes. But going to a new restaurant two or three times a day while you’re on vacation can swiftly drain your wallet. When I go on vacation, the first place I hit up is the grocery store. Sure, it’s not the most exciting thing to do. After all, you came on this vacation to take a break from the grocery runs and other mundane tasks that fill up your regular day. But your bank account will thank you. And if you’re not too jet-lagged, you can make the shopping escapade fun! Don’t drag it out, make a list beforehand so you can get in and get out (that’s what she said!). Et voila! You’ve got food to take with you on that lovely hike through the Alps! No, you don’t have to acquiesce to those sweet, tenacious scammers who will try to sell you a Toblerone bar that’s ten dollars more than it should be. Wave the chocolate bar that you bought at the store for half the price and revel in their disappointment. Because you are not the ignorant foreigner they assumed you to be! You are a cultured icon who can do basic math!
HAPPY FEET:
When I travel, I like to do a lot of walking. This is how I let the culture seep into my pores – getting up close and personal with it. If you’re traveling or going on vacation to a new country, you’ll most likely be upping your step game. If so, then what you’ve got on your feet matters (and I’m not talking about toe rings, those can be banned). I have made many shoe-related mistakes while traveling and each one emotionally scarred me. I now know better. I’d like to state that I have flat-ish feet, so I am keenly aware of the difference a good shoe can make. Ladies, it’s truly foolish to think that you can traipse those cobblestone streets in three-inch heels for two hours. Wear that dress, sure. But for goodness’ sake, be sensible about what shoes you are going to wear. When you choose to make your feet happy while on a walking-tour, you’ll be able to actually pay attention to the sights around you. Don’t try and break in those cute boots you just bought. Leave that to your regular life. Avoid staining your adventure with blisters and foot cramps. I am a firm believer in keeping it stylish and classy, especially on vacation, but take into account the terrain of your destination. If you’re traveling through Denmark in the autumn months, make sure you’ve got solid boots with sturdy soles. Pack a pair of basic walking sneakers (and if they’re white, good luck). Save the heels for the night you hit up that European bar and plan on taking a taxi/Uber back to the hotel. When it comes to the shoe department, don’t be afraid of variety.
LEAVE THE FANNY PACK AT HOME:
That’s just a rule of thumb. Yes, I know they’re trending. Not only do they scream “American Fashion”, but they are also lightning rods for pickpockets. And by pickpockets, I mean people who are actually skilled in robbing you blind in a public setting. This isn’t to shit on fanny packs, though. For example, an appropriate place for a fanny pack is your small town or Disney World. In my experience, a sensible purse or pack usually does the trick. If you’re in a big, bustling city, then forget about sticking your wallet in your back pocket. Big no-no. Same with phones and anything else of value. I once made the mistake of slipping my new phone into my back pocket while on a city bus in Europe. When I stepped off, it was gone. I still don’t know how it was taken without my feeling it. Is this a testament to my lack of observation skills? Or is it a testament to the work ethic of a skilled pickpocket? Who knows? (It’s the latter.)
LOWER YOUR VOICE:
Yes, I am bragging when I say that this comes very naturally to me. I have a quiet voice and I don’t like to speak loudly, unless I’m in a room full of men or I’m onstage. Sometimes my quieter disposition will frustrate my friends, as they can’t always hear what I’m saying in a loud restaurant or on an airplane. However, it comes in handy when I’m visiting a new place. It makes blending in easier. If you’re visiting a foreign country, whether you like it or not, you must cater to the locals. It’s not cool to visit a new place and refuse to adhere to their rules (both judicial and social). Sticking with an “inside voice” while traveling not only makes you look a little more like you belong but is also respectful to those around you. Total win-win, here. The point is, adapting to wherever you’ve landed can make the trip a lot smoother. Not only does it help steer away those that might try to take advantage of you, but it also gives you the opportunity to get to know the culture of wherever you are in a more personal way.
To conclude, traveling is fun, but a lot goes into it (as with all good things). Putting in a little effort will help make your transition smoother and will add years to your life or so I’ve heard. Now go and enjoy your trip, you travel bug, you!
M’wah!